It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
