I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
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