Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
