We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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