Four minutes until I can fart!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
