i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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