You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
