you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
