and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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