Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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