Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
