I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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