The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
