I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
