There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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