ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
