Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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