C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
