The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
