I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Welp...herpes.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
