pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
