I will die if light touches me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
