i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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