So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
