I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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