dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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