i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
