Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
