She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is it penis luge time yet?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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