"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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