I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
