jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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