So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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