You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
