i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
