well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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