Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
