Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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