i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Drake has all the answers
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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