I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
