you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I know her cup size but not her name....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
