Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
