I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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