I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
