I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She announced her abortion via fbk
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
