He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
