Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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