I think scott just propositioned me for sex
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
