Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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