filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
