You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
