she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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