I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
