i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
