Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
