Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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