i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
