When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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