I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
