I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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