I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize